Smoky, Salty, Drinky

Thank you federal government for having my best intests in mind. I love salty foods; chips, french fries, or  just sipping salt out of the shaker while enjoying my favorite soap. I also enjoy a few shots of salt on a wild weekend or after intimacy yep nothing beats a good salt.  The feds have recently informed united states citizens how dangerous this can be and are going to limit the amount of salt in certain foods. I am extremely grateful for their concern and willingness tell us what is best.  I mean look at the statistics you are much more likely to die from eating a big mac than you are from lung cancer from smoking.  Also the amount car crashes as a result of potato chip intoxication are through the roof! So many lives have been lost needlessly when someone out with their friends doing what was "cool" and eating tons of salted mixed nuts, lost control driving and took the lives of the innocent.
     I am also impressed with the programs they have enstated to stop salty snacking at a young age. Mcdonalds among other fast food service restaurants can no longer advertise a toy in a meal that does not meet government health standards.  An action of absolute paramount importance. Toys in salty meals are just like bullets in guns. The last thing we need are unhealthy children shoveling down hamburgers and french fries.  All we must do is follow the example of our commander and chief smoke and continue to invite over people you pubicly humiliate to have a few beers. Be healthy and enjoy the life you will be forced into.

To Officer Chapman of the Utach County Sheriffs Office, bravo

I just wanted to send officer Chapman a quick note to let him know he can walk a little taller today having helped so many citizens. I own a 1988 Honda Civic that barely runs. When my wife found out she was pregnant with our first child in may I sold a car I loved and bought something I could afford to buy cash in order to help pay for the birth of our child. My grandfather also recently had open heart surgery and cannot do many of the things he used to be able to do on his own. I worked my full 8 hour day in construction and spent the rest of my evening mowing, edging and furtulizing my grandfathers lawn, I know it is important to him. My Day started at 8:00 this morning, while on my home to wife and daughter at 9:12 pm officer Chapman had the decency to pull me over and let me know he could not see my license plate. Oh yeah I forgot to mention the bolts where the license plate should be mounted are so rusted they cannot be removed and thus I could not mount the plate. I guess officer Chapman should also have his eyes checked since the plate was clearly displayed in my rear window. It's ok I don't expect that much intelligence out of police officers. When he saw my front plate in my glove box, for which the car has no mount being built in 1988, he decided that would be a great opportunity to bump up the charges. Since I did not have my insurance card from my new carrier he also decided to ticket me for that. I just wanted to let him know he is such a great police officer. By giving a ticket for every possible infraction he could to a registered, insured and law abiding citizen he truely was able to serve and protect. I will remember him kindly when each time I pay my taxes and know it is going to such a honest, hard working and productive member of society.


Warm reguards,



Lance Teeples

MLM Language defined

Every now and then my cell phone will ring with the number of a mysterious stranger, I get excited as I nervously push the talk button wondering what interesting person may be on the other end.  Oh my gosh! A friend I have not spoken to in years! After the small talk comes the MLM pitch and at that point I save the number so as to screen future calls thus preventing correspondense.  All pitches contain the same type of "I just got sold on this company at a tuesday night meeting" language, so I have taken it upon myself to define, in lay mans terms, the pitch.

Ground Floor Opportunty: There are only several thousand other people that are big enough suckers to have signed up so far!  Put too much into this and you will be living on a hard cold concrete floor!

Do you have 4 Friends?:  Well soon you won't we will teach you to ostracize yourself from everybody you hold dear.

Residual Income:  You will spend lots of money on products you can pay half for at wal mart, if others are dumb enough to do the same you will get a check every month, so really you will end up with a lot of stuff you don't need and put a couple bucks in my pocket.

What are you doing thursday night?:  Come to a meeting that is second in high pressure only to time share presentations and no there will not be a free ski weekend.

Have not yet hit critical mass:  And never will. Any time and money you will invest will help us get there, however we will always just fall short.

Do you remember me?:  I already talked to everyone I know, now I am just calling random people from high school.

5% of people have 95% of the wealth!:  By joining you will help those 95% get wealthier and you may fall lower in that 5%.

I know people get rich in MLM's but ask yourself are these really people I want to associate with, let alone become?

The Trouble With Penguins

    I have received many questions and concerned comments based on recent facebook posts regarding emperor penguins.  I hate penguins, I hate them with my whole soul.  What kind of animal chooses to be a bird and then does not opt for the gift of flight?  What is it that birds have to offer other than the ability to flap their appendages and soar gracefully through the blue skies.  If you choose to be a bird, make it a good choice.

    Males guard the eggs and the nest in Antarctica, what a moronic choice.  It gets so cold there your snot freezes before it even leaves your nostril. Of all the places on all the planet earth they chose to go to a frozen wasteland of nothing to stand on eggs only to have many of their offspring picked off by birds who were intelligent enough to posses the ability to swoop down from cliffs and glide using their wings to attack their prey.  Otherwise known as flying.  

   They are snooty suckers.  Penguins wear tuxedos all the time, ALL THE TIME!  They never even attend a single formal event and yet they are dressed up.  If you had a friend that always wore a tuxedo you would say, "hey jerk why you always wearing a tuxedo."  They stick their noses up in the air and strut around their frozen island like the rest of the world would want to join them in their pathetic existence.  Forget you penguins no one wants to live on your floating iceberg of reproductive chaos.  Know this penguins you all nest in the same spot the same time of year, you are all together with your future clutched between your worthless feet that cause you to waddle instead of walk.  All if would take is one little "accident."

Bad Wrap for Skeletons

  



    As I slaved away removing a porch from a 50 year old house, excitement mounted with the extrication each plank, my head was filled with hopes of finding something long lost inside, a hobo or pioneer skeleton.  To my chagrin as each piece of wood lifted off the two by six foundation nothing was revealed, only dirt and wood.  I began to think of the consequences of finding a skeleton, police and reporters would come from all around to watch. KSL would do a typical terrorist news story finding out if the remains carried an ancient long thought to be gone disease.
    I decided had I seen a skeleton I probably would have been scared, just because everyone is scared of skeletons, except for other skeletons I suppose.  The prejudice against our epidermis lacking colleagues should not be tolerated.  Cast in your own mind right now, your door bell rings, you go to answer to find a 5' 10" shiny white skeleton tipping his hat to say how do you do?  What is your reaction? You would freak out, and for no reason.  Suppose he was selling door to door to be able to afford the mere necessity extra calcium rich dark leafy greens as his mother is suffering from severe osteoporosis, instead of helping a family you cast him off as naught all do to a preconceived prejudice ingrained into you from spooky movies and the steady stream of skeleton murderers that have been convicted.
   All I ask is that we all put our prejudices aside and only judge based on fact rather than the lack of color or skin.

Obmamin Hood

    I have to vent, politically vent, I hate to do it, but too much is happening and I talk to too many ignorant people in a day to not express my feelings.  I am so sick of the robin hood mentality people are cheering on.  Taking money from the hard-working and rewarding the lazy will never have positive results, let me explain why.    
    I am owner and co-owner of a few small businesses neither makes a fortune so far however neither loses money.  When we have  a surplus of cash we do something insane, we reinvest in our business.  The purchase of new equipment, products or employees helps us improve our business and allows us the opportunity to grow and expand and in turn invest more into our company.  Guess what the government does as soon as we earn a decent profit, they put their grubby filthy hands into the cookie jar and take as much as they can.  From city level to state to federal all are trying to steal their piece. Said funds are then taken and filtered through the vast government machine.  Every time the money changes hands a little is taken and what is left is burned on social programs, welfare and so forth.
    On the other end, so many "humanitarians" feel we should help those who are less fortunate (in most cases less willing to earn their own).  I agree with helping people who are trying to better their lives, the problem is the word "help" is incorrectly defined.  A person is not helped by receiving unearned funds, it only further promotes laziness.  Offering employment, education, or training helps those "less fortunate."  Others exploit the poor, they see an opportunity for a quick power grab, what is the fastest way to get control of someone?  You provide their life, if they choose to take from you they are permanently indebted to you.  Takers however do not invest in a business, skill or job they buy a flat screen tv, or make a down payment on a car they will later have repossessed.  The point is giving free money to people who have not and will not earn it stimulates nothing.
    Government ownership of major companies is even worse.  I cannot believe what is happening between toyota and the united states gov.  A company produces a higher quality better priced vehicle so the gvmnt. who owns gm criminalize the corporation in an attempt to reduce competition.  You have no idea how hard this is for me not to use very strong and profane language while writing this.  They have not even tried to hide their motive, I recently saw a commercial for GM in which "everyone" knows foreign vehicles are better (which they are) and Howie Long who is a sell out piece of garbage let them know GM was better because they have a better warranty.  Even though the marketing campaign (which is what the government hearings against toyota is) is firing everything they can at toyota they are still not gaining their market share.  Why not? Because people in america are not stupid enough to believe it.  Even if they lose faith in toyota there is still Honda, Hyundai, Subaru, Kia, Suzuki, renault, alfa romeo, citroen, audi, mercedes, bmw, vw, nissan and for the most part any car is better than what GM makes.  If my company had the profits GM has been showing, even since the gvmnt took over I would live in the gutter.  Oh and you think toyotas recall is bad, google gm recalls, they have hundreds of thousands every single year!
   The more the government gets involved in our business the more american business will fail.  Taking from the hard working and motivated to reward the uneducated and lazy will only result in socialism.  If you agree or disagree comment and let me know.
 

Beethoven Was Rebellious Once

It's been a rough couple of weeks, my baby cries and cries, my wife is sleep deprived and worn out, I have been out of town working, and on top of it all I am getting over a miserable cold, which is why I have not written in a couple weeks. Hopefully with some witty quips and insights I can make up for the tender moments we have surely lost.


     People seem to have strong and poignant feelings in regard to their music preferences.  I am going to divulge a secret about me; a deep, dark, horrifying secret.  A secret so horrifying that in so sharing I may ostracize myself from family, friends and acquaintances, I like rap.  Though my brother in law (who is 12) told me rap is an acronym for retards attempting poetry, don't judge me to harshly. I'm not into snoop dog, and eminem, I enjoy the subtle sounds and smilies of groups such as the argyle pimps, ugly duckling, jurassic five and the like, you have never heard of them have you?  I knew it, just look them up on myspace, who knows I may change your attitude on this so called hip hop.
     Kids go through phases of music I have noticed, often they will start with top 40 garbage, whatever is on the radio and constantly resonating in their hollow heads.  Around junior high school something happens, I can't quit explain, but somehow the pyschadelic sounds of the seventies seem to infiltrate theirs souls.  Don't believe me?  Ask any 14 to 17 year old what music they dig and likely his answer will be "Led zeppelin and Pink Floyd.  I like classic rock."  I feel I need to add that all my experience is as a middle class white kid so this may not be applicable in all areas. After that comes the "radio sucks" phase, where it becomes much less than cool to listen to anything on the radio, youngsters turn to the internet to find whatever is too obscure and possibly too profane to find  on the radio.
    Obviously everyone has their own opinion as to what musical talent is.  I like to have the argument, it's funny because I don't really care, I think it is all opinion. However for many people the topic is poignant and important.  I believe talent in music is simply stated making music people want to listen to.  My dad will say classical and the like is the only type of music that takes talent.  He, however, enjoys the beatles, emerson lake and palmer which are only a few among the many bands that my grandparents hate and call no talent rock.  They would prefer something along the lines of Engelbert Humperdink, which their parents thought was the devils music.  There must have been a time when a youngster was bangin his head to some chopin and his dad yelled "turn that crap off!"  I wonder what it was like when kids would whip out their harpsichord and jam to the latest tunes only to have be grounded from the instrument until they have gathered enough firewood to warm the house.  I wonder what they rocked to in the stone age.  Point is parents will always hate what their kids listen to, with the exception of that classic rock stage.  They can get on the same page at least for a couple years.
     Singer/songwriter acoustic rock has become popular in the last few years.  Acoustic music has destroyed campfires.  Tough, brave men used to gather around a campfire reciting mighty tales of trapping beavers, fighting grizzly bears, and sharing a peace pipe with Indians.  However with the popularity of acoustic music there is always one person who whips out an acoustic guitar and plays the two Jack Johnson songs he knows incessantly diverting all attention away from manliness.  Without fail if a fire is started in a pit an acoustic guitar will appear, like magic. I swear someone just pulls it out of the black of night, You could be talking about a shelter fashioned by your bare hands from some leaves a branches and next thing you know a person is strumming three chords and singing about bubbly toes.
    I think the last phase is talk radio.  Instead of listening to pathetic poets spout on about messages that have no real meaning, you hear pundits slander and argue points until they are so worked up their microphone is covered in spit and anger.  Pretty much the same as the pathetic poets just their sentences don't rhyme and there is no background music.

Hobo Holiday

Before I had a child I thought of an incredible vacation idea that would trump any adventure I had ever persued to this point in my life.  I watched my wife roll her eyes as I anxiously presented a concept that to my knowledge (which I will admit is limited) had never been attempted.  For our vacation that year I thought we should strap on a couple of jansports, well a back pack for her, I would prefer to use a bindle, (

bin⋅dle

–noun Slang. a bundle, usually of bedding and other possessions, carried by a hobo.) just to look legit I would not want to be confused with a common dirt ball hippie, I hate hippies, I would rather have someone stuff my pants with tuna fish and toss me into a den of starving cats than be confused as hippie.  After she had her backpack packed and my bindle loaded we would be on our way to living homeless for a time. A bindle is that handkercheif tied to a stick, loaded with your gear.  I would take some bread a change of socks, maybe some underwear, I reckon a bindle could not contain more.  We would leave the house with only what is on our person and see how far we could get, where we could go what we could accomplish and the amount of real life experience we could gain.  Hobo holiday does have some rules, when you depart on your journey 10 dollars is the maximum amount of money you can bring.  You can only work for money or food no panhandling, no mooching, no accepting food, basically no free lunches.  Really I guess there are only two rules after that the world would be your oyster, or your can of baked beans as would be the case.  To my chagrin however Bethany seems to prefer cruises, resorts and trips to states that have beaches.  Even though I told her we could end up on a beach she didn't bite.  My reasons for a vacation of this variety are unclear even to me.  I think  mankind and reality at it's most basic and raw state would be extremely interesting to exerience first hand.  Now that we have a child there is no way it will ever be possible, unless it just happens and is not a holiday at all.

Mind blowingly delicious pulled pork instructions

I did not start this blog as a food network rip off but rather to express the non stop action with which my mind constantly entertains me.  Perhaps I should not share the thoughts that pass through my brain with the wondering and ever curious world of readers, in fact I am sure of it, however cooking holds a special place in my heart and my mind is packed with delicious, tantilizing recipies that I have been coaxed by friends and family members alike to share.  I do not care for bland food, I guess you could say I am not a roast and potatoes fellow, I can enjoy these meals once perhaps a couple times a month, I just don't jump for joy for blandness.  I like things that pop and kick and sizzle and sazzle and whuzzle and cherupm and so forth.  I often like to take classics and twist them to fit my tastes.  Thus I have created several culinary concotions to stimulate once stagnant taste buds, one herin I shall share with you all.

 You don't have to have a lot of money to make an amazing meal nor do you have to slave away in the kitchen for hours.   You can use simple ingredients to cultivate a meal that will impress your friends and put a grin on your kids lips.  The total time you will spend on this is about 20 minutes and will spend around 4 dollars (can vary greatly depending on the brand of bbq sauce you use.)  Anybody can make this and have it be delicious.  Here is what you will need:

First boneless county style pork rib (these do not have bones and are extremely cheap I usually pay around $1.29-1.89 per pound.  Currently on sale at maceys for $1.59/lb)  1.5 lbs will feed around 6 people.   As long as you have some delightful side dishes.

Second you will need a crock pot, if you don't have one buy one you are missing out on one of the worlds greatest inventions and can pick one up for as cheap as $15.00

Third you will need either 2 small onions or one medium sliced thin, about 1/2 cup of water per pound of pork, some brown sugar, some honey, and a bottle of bar-b-que sauce

Put half the onions in the crock pot, then dump in the spare ribs they can be frozen or defrosted i prefer defrosted, pour in water add about 4 tbsp. brown sugar, some honey I don't know a couple table spoons maybe, the rest of the onion, some salt and pepper, don't be afraid to be generous with the salt and pepper, then set the crock pot to low.  Pretty tough huh?  Let it cook for six hours.

Now that you have done the easy stuff you are ready to get intermediate, prepare yourself.  Get out a bowl, Using tongs move the meat from the crockpot to the bowl,  us the tongs to shred the pork by just squeezing the meat, it will be so tender it will shred perfectly.  Last, mix in your favorite bar-b-que sauce, I have used everything from famous rays to great value (wal-mart brand) and it all turns out  scrumptious.   Mix in as much sauce as you want and return to the crock pot on warm setting for a couple hours or whenever you're ready to eat.  Serve on rolls or buns or just by itself.  It goes a long way and I eat it as leftovers for days.  It reheats perfectly

I hope you will enjoy my recipe and if you don't oh well your tastebuds suck or you are a lousy cook.  Have fun bon apetit!

The State of Our Economy

 With the housing market as sluggish as Czechoslovakians in the summer games, nearly everyone has been affected, from kids selling candy bars door to door to high end commercial real estate agents.  I don't think our currents state is funny and don't want to make light of a difficult situation however in the course of composing this, I most likely will.  While listening to the wall street journal on the radio I learned prices for super bowl tickets, bought from either e bay, a ticket broker or other are sold at a median price iof $4,000.00 per ticket!  Land Shark Stadium,  where super bowl XLIV will be take place holds 75,540 at capacity and will be a sell out crowd.  INSANE!  In a country with an unemployment level reaching nearly ten percent we are spending $302,160,000.00 to fight a crowd of 75,000 people, get out binoculars and watch a game that in the long ride of life won't matter more than Steve Urkle on family matters, actually, Steve made more of a lasting impression on america than any super bowl has.  "did i do that?"  Lol.  This Christmas my wife and I took a trip to buy good tidings for the holiday.  As we drove past the mall on the way to our destination, I remarked "I am glad we are not headed there, there isn't even a place to park!"  We made to where we were going, which happened to be The Dollar Tree, a store that sells nothing for more than a dollar, probably the sweetest stores in the universe, next to candy stores I suppose. We might as well have walked into an opera hall that only deaf, blind mutes were invited to attend, who didn't have rides even had they wanted to attend.  I was very excited, as I hate fighting lines and crowds for tickle me elmo's and true religion jeans.  I would not say we are poor, I would say we spend our money wisely.  We bought what we needed, saw some generic bump it hair tools, and had some good laughs.  In a recession the dollar store should be packed and the mall as empty as Ms. south Carolinas skull.  If you don't get that reference youtube it you will die laughing!  I love america and I love capitalism, I love that people can choose to shop wherever they want and buy whatever they want but do wonder how we will ever crawl our way out of this rut if people keep spending money like Erick Cartman eats cheesy poofs.  Will Smith put it best when he said, "Too many people spend money the don't have to buy stuff they don't need to impress people they don't like."

Baby Gas

Last week was very eventful for my brothers family as well as my own, we each brought a beautiful child  into this world for the first time.  Our wives are convinced that when our childrens lips move upward and slightly part they are joyfully smiling.  Researching the matter, the scientific conclusion is the child has gas.  As a man who cares for the welfare of others, I would not encourage anyone to inform our wives that their children merely have to expel methane and other gases, it will not bode well.  I however being a man of science have formed my own hypothesis based upon years of research.  Farting is funny.  Babies know it, adolescents know it and even adults know it.  Laughing at flatulence is innate, therefore right before our cute perfect little angels squeeze one out they prepare with a mischievous smile knowing full well the sufferance others within a reasonable parameter will soon suffer.  I am not willing to put my hypothesis to a full scientific experiment for two reasons the first; I don't have the time, the second; and more realistic  is I don't have the stomach for it.  I will leave it at that.  Every person that is living however has laughed at an excretion of foul smelling gas, from the highest of kings and queens to the most immature seventh grader, I am sure as you read you are thinking of a time you had a good laugh, or almost threw up from the misery someone inconsiderate person has befouled you with .  Often laughter or snickering is followed by, "that is so gross!"  Or, "disgusting."  or "Son, leave the room!"  My dad used the latter often.  They have been featured as jokes in movies and tv shows, slipped into song tracks, and used in every form of media possible.  I guess my point is we are both right, the baby has gas, and it knows deep in it's heart it's funny, so when you see that "smile" plug your nose.

Nobel Prize Winner

Over the past couple years I don't think anyone would argue that the Nobel peace prize has somewhat lost prestige. Two winners in the last two years have thus far accomplished really nothing, however I do not wish to engage in political debates on the efficacity of elected officials but rather nominate a person who's very existence would revive the luster of the prize. A few years ago I purchased my first home, it had been a rental property, and sadly not in great order as far as cleanliness goes. The bath tubs displayed a scum layer on which ants were ice skating, that I knew would be some serious work to try to effectively remove. Not being any sort of cleaning officianado I went to it, I used bleach, pine sol, ajax and several other cleaners, scrubbers, and strippers. All the work was to no avail, I had a scummy old tub and was out of ideas, I did however have a  very fuzzy relaxed feeling and a swimming head from all the chemicals I had inhaled, come to think of it I am surprised I can recollect so much of that warm afternoon. Once I decided my efforts had been nothing more than an excersise in futility I did what I should have done in the first place, called my mom. "have you tried a magic eraser?" she said. "That is ridiculous." Was my answer. "Just try, it should work." The thought was astoundingly silly, even so I grabbed a pencil said a quick abra cadabra to the pink end and went to town, the eraser only lasted 10 seconds and left a pink residue all over the tub.  With more frustration I picked up the phone to let my mother know how pathetic her idea was.  When she informed me a magic eraser was not some tranced pencil eraser but rather a cleaning product from mr. clean I felt slightly more confident in the idea. I gave purchasing this product serious consideration, last time I trusted a bald guy with an earing I ended up watching a whole Howie Mandel DVD.  Honestly watching a guy pull a rubber glove over his face and inflate it is only funny once.  Ok its funny like five times but not for forty five minutes straight.  I realized howeve I did not have any other option so I purchased the product. My delight showed in the glow on my face as I simply wiped the tub down and watched all the scrum and grime easily swish away to reveal chleanliness and a white sparkle which had been lost, I thought the fixtures were yellow. I was overjoyed! Honestly amazed! I then cleaned my bathroom floors, toilets, wiped scuff marks off walls, made white shoes their whitest, it does not however whiten teeth, just trust me dont attempt especially not with the same one you used on the toilet.  Pine sol tastes awful!  At any rate such a small and amazing device has brought a peace through cleanliness to my home that is unparalleled. Thus I nominate Mr. Clean for a Nobel peace prize, if you need to find him he is quite tan all year so I would check California and Florida first if he does not live there I would check at tanning salons, or places that sell gold hoop earrings as singles.  Make no mistake he deserves to be recognized as a true american hero.

This is an oldie but goodie

This was a blog i posted in oct. 07 but its good thought some folks who did not know me at the time would enjoy reading (unchanged from the time I wrote it)

The 5 hout lake powell trip
Category: Sports


As I lie here in bed this fine monday morning I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I were at work. About a week ago we had a fine trip planned down to the old lake powell. If you have never been it is beautiful. The landscape is set in gorgeous red and white rock with light blue water that sparkles under the sun. Days are warm and nights are cool, perfect for sleeping atop the houseboat under the stars. It is arguably one of the best places in the state of Utah to wakeboard.

My fiance had been gone for the last month (totally lame) working and I was to pick her up in St. George then the next morning we were off to the lake. All went as planned, I left work monday around 4 and got to st. george that night around 7. After supper at iggys and visits to friends it was off to bed. I had to sleep outside in a trailer because those who owned the house did not want us close to eachother apparently. So after one of the worst nights sleep in my life it was off to the lake.

We got there at about 10 after picking up some odds and ends for the house boat and met up with my future father and brother in law at the dock. Off we went to the house boat it was about a 30 minute boat ride to a beautiful semi secluded beach with white sand and warm water. As soon as we got there I was in my suit diving and flipping off the houseboat. Everyone was so excited to have someone there who was pro active. Appently prior to my arrival things were a little boring.

Around 2 or so I convinced Mark (my brother in law) to take us wakeboarding and off we went. A few runs a few classic tricks, no big deal. Bethany's little brother had his appendix removed a day before arriving to the lake and was hurting so we took him back to the house boat and i decided to give the old wake skate a run. Bethany convinced her dad to come out on the boat with us. I tried to acid drop start off the back of the house boat and everyone said your crazy your gonna get hurt i just responded with I have good insurance. lol. Well the acid drop didn't work but was unevenful. So I took a nice slow and easy ride buttering and taking a small jump here and there. I crashed and when I was in the water I said watch this I will try to go huge. Famous last words right? So I cut out toe side real long full cut and came back at speed and popped up nicely. When I came down however it was not so good. I felt my board go one way and my body go the other and heard a twist then a pop. The images that flashed through my head were from all the action sports videos wrecks I have seen. I looked down and my knee and this is basically what i saw. Now Bethany's dad is a trauma nurse at the ER at the UofU. He said it's just dislocated lets try to pop it back into place. This was by far the most painful experience I have ever had. When it didn't work it was off the page to the ER. Which, is a 30 minute boat ride across the channel in choppy water along with a 20 minute car ride. I had be be carried from the boat to the car which hurt like hell. Once we got the ER things started getting a little better in the fact that they have morphine. Bethany's dad told me they gave me enough to kill a 180 pound person and that barely took the pain away. Yep 5 hours on the lake 12 hour drive from where i live, that's messed up. They sedated me and thanks to Bethany's dad being there were able to pop it back into place. I had to pretend to be up and chipper so they would release me and we could go back to the houseboat and not be life flighted to st. george. Luckily they released me because Beth's dad is a nurse otherwise I am sure I would have to have stayed. The ride back was much more pleasant than the ride there. For two days i lounged in a chair and caught some sun as I watched the crystal smooth water longingly. I still am waiting to see the orthopedic surgeon to find out the full extent of the damages. Tommorrow I will know Thanks for reading.

Lance

Angels

We arrived at the hospital at 9 am and were ready for the induction, as ready as two bright eyed scared and unprepared soon to be parents could be. After my sweet daughter entered the world the song from that show that comes about every 4 years that has super humans that run real fast and dive real good started playing in my head, because, my wife to me was now a super human. She brought my daughter into the world, with no drugs and only her motherly instinct and passion to do what was best for her child to deal with the pain. It was an experience that will be impressed upon my mind until the day I die. I will never forget seeing my daughter, beautiful and perfect. I became soft, instantly, I am not a soft person, I am not an emotional person. Though I would lie to your face tears were welling in my eyes. I am smiling right now because my lil sweetheart is cooing as she is feeding, anyway I was overcome, a love that I had never felt so strong for my wife and daughter filled my heart and my emotions became uncontrollable. I told everyone I knew that my baby would not make me soft, I had not counted on the amount of love for my daughter my heart was instantly overflowing with. We were all together as a family, a family of three and life became more complete despite being confined to the walls of a hospital room. As Bethany slept that night I took Roxann into my arms, I rocked and walked her until she was comfortably asleep. As I paced around the small hospital room I looked over to see my wife sleeping like an angel. I smiled looked at my daughter, then back at my wife. The love God has for me must be incredible, he sent me two angels. Bethany had given everything she physically could for our family, our lives will be forever enhanced for her sacrifice. I cried. Having these two perfect girls with me made it the greatest day of my life. I wondered how God could have such great love for us all despite all our foibles, when I gazed upon my child I understood to a small extent, I saw perfection and knew our heavenly father sees that in all us.

You're not pregnant.

I spent my life telling everyone I knew (my old lady included) that the perfect number of children was somewhere in the zero range, knowing full well I did not know how many much loin fruit I was willing to harvest. In may, my wife had been really tired she needed naps more often than usual. Being a clueless fellow and knowing little to nothing of the tell tale signs of a mother with a fetus developing inside of her. She had been working long hours and hard days, which obviously, I convinced myself, is why she was so fatigued. My beautiful wife however having much better intuitions spoke with her older sister who had experienced child birth of her own four times over. Her response to Bethany was, "Sounds like you are pregnant." On mothers day unbeknownst to me Bethany and her sister took a little test, after scoring a 165 on an internet iq test, she then took a pregnancy test. It was a warm day just enough breeze to for perfect comfort, I was on the sports court draining 1 in 10 shots as is my skill level when Bethany came out to speak to me. "You know how I have been so tired lately?" "Yeah." "So I just took a pregnancy test." she responded; to which I quickly answered, "Your not pregnant." She produced the dollar store test from her pocket, sure enough 2 pink lines gleamed brightly in my over-sized pupils. I became stunned, absolute mental paralysis was my state. I sat pondering not speaking to anyone at the mothers day event we were attending, my own thoughts were impossible to be gathered. Once the initial shock was alleviated I was able to begin to start preparing to be a daddy, something I knew and know almost nothing about.