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Sunday, May 2, 2010

Smoky, Salty, Drinky

Thank you federal government for having my best intests in mind. I love salty foods; chips, french fries, or  just sipping salt out of the shaker while enjoying my favorite soap. I also enjoy a few shots of salt on a wild weekend or after intimacy yep nothing beats a good salt.  The feds have recently informed united states citizens how dangerous this can be and are going to limit the amount of salt in certain foods. I am extremely grateful for their concern and willingness tell us what is best.  I mean look at the statistics you are much more likely to die from eating a big mac than you are from lung cancer from smoking.  Also the amount car crashes as a result of potato chip intoxication are through the roof! So many lives have been lost needlessly when someone out with their friends doing what was "cool" and eating tons of salted mixed nuts, lost control driving and took the lives of the innocent.
     I am also impressed with the programs they have enstated to stop salty snacking at a young age. Mcdonalds among other fast food service restaurants can no longer advertise a toy in a meal that does not meet government health standards.  An action of absolute paramount importance. Toys in salty meals are just like bullets in guns. The last thing we need are unhealthy children shoveling down hamburgers and french fries.  All we must do is follow the example of our commander and chief smoke and continue to invite over people you pubicly humiliate to have a few beers. Be healthy and enjoy the life you will be forced into.

Monday, April 19, 2010

To Officer Chapman of the Utach County Sheriffs Office, bravo

I just wanted to send officer Chapman a quick note to let him know he can walk a little taller today having helped so many citizens. I own a 1988 Honda Civic that barely runs. When my wife found out she was pregnant with our first child in may I sold a car I loved and bought something I could afford to buy cash in order to help pay for the birth of our child. My grandfather also recently had open heart surgery and cannot do many of the things he used to be able to do on his own. I worked my full 8 hour day in construction and spent the rest of my evening mowing, edging and furtulizing my grandfathers lawn, I know it is important to him. My Day started at 8:00 this morning, while on my home to wife and daughter at 9:12 pm officer Chapman had the decency to pull me over and let me know he could not see my license plate. Oh yeah I forgot to mention the bolts where the license plate should be mounted are so rusted they cannot be removed and thus I could not mount the plate. I guess officer Chapman should also have his eyes checked since the plate was clearly displayed in my rear window. It's ok I don't expect that much intelligence out of police officers. When he saw my front plate in my glove box, for which the car has no mount being built in 1988, he decided that would be a great opportunity to bump up the charges. Since I did not have my insurance card from my new carrier he also decided to ticket me for that. I just wanted to let him know he is such a great police officer. By giving a ticket for every possible infraction he could to a registered, insured and law abiding citizen he truely was able to serve and protect. I will remember him kindly when each time I pay my taxes and know it is going to such a honest, hard working and productive member of society.

Warm reguards,

Lance Teeples

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

MLM Language defined

Every now and then my cell phone will ring with the number of a mysterious stranger, I get excited as I nervously push the talk button wondering what interesting person may be on the other end.  Oh my gosh! A friend I have not spoken to in years! After the small talk comes the MLM pitch and at that point I save the number so as to screen future calls thus preventing correspondense.  All pitches contain the same type of "I just got sold on this company at a tuesday night meeting" language, so I have taken it upon myself to define, in lay mans terms, the pitch.

Ground Floor Opportunty: There are only several thousand other people that are big enough suckers to have signed up so far!  Put too much into this and you will be living on a hard cold concrete floor!

Do you have 4 Friends?:  Well soon you won't we will teach you to ostracize yourself from everybody you hold dear.

Residual Income:  You will spend lots of money on products you can pay half for at wal mart, if others are dumb enough to do the same you will get a check every month, so really you will end up with a lot of stuff you don't need and put a couple bucks in my pocket.

What are you doing thursday night?:  Come to a meeting that is second in high pressure only to time share presentations and no there will not be a free ski weekend.

Have not yet hit critical mass:  And never will. Any time and money you will invest will help us get there, however we will always just fall short.

Do you remember me?:  I already talked to everyone I know, now I am just calling random people from high school.

5% of people have 95% of the wealth!:  By joining you will help those 95% get wealthier and you may fall lower in that 5%.

I know people get rich in MLM's but ask yourself are these really people I want to associate with, let alone become?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Trouble With Penguins

    I have received many questions and concerned comments based on recent facebook posts regarding emperor penguins.  I hate penguins, I hate them with my whole soul.  What kind of animal chooses to be a bird and then does not opt for the gift of flight?  What is it that birds have to offer other than the ability to flap their appendages and soar gracefully through the blue skies.  If you choose to be a bird, make it a good choice.
    Males guard the eggs and the nest in Antarctica, what a moronic choice.  It gets so cold there your snot freezes before it even leaves your nostril. Of all the places on all the planet earth they chose to go to a frozen wasteland of nothing to stand on eggs only to have many of their offspring picked off by birds who were intelligent enough to posses the ability to swoop down from cliffs and glide using their wings to attack their prey.  Otherwise known as flying.  
   They are snooty suckers.  Penguins wear tuxedos all the time, ALL THE TIME!  They never even attend a single formal event and yet they are dressed up.  If you had a friend that always wore a tuxedo you would say, "hey jerk why you always wearing a tuxedo."  They stick their noses up in the air and strut around their frozen island like the rest of the world would want to join them in their pathetic existence.  Forget you penguins no one wants to live on your floating iceberg of reproductive chaos.  Know this penguins you all nest in the same spot the same time of year, you are all together with your future clutched between your worthless feet that cause you to waddle instead of walk.  All if would take is one little "accident."

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Bad Wrap for Skeletons


    As I slaved away removing a porch from a 50 year old house, excitement mounted with the extrication each plank, my head was filled with hopes of finding something long lost inside, a hobo or pioneer skeleton.  To my chagrin as each piece of wood lifted off the two by six foundation nothing was revealed, only dirt and wood.  I began to think of the consequences of finding a skeleton, police and reporters would come from all around to watch. KSL would do a typical terrorist news story finding out if the remains carried an ancient long thought to be gone disease.
    I decided had I seen a skeleton I probably would have been scared, just because everyone is scared of skeletons, except for other skeletons I suppose.  The prejudice against our epidermis lacking colleagues should not be tolerated.  Cast in your own mind right now, your door bell rings, you go to answer to find a 5' 10" shiny white skeleton tipping his hat to say how do you do?  What is your reaction? You would freak out, and for no reason.  Suppose he was selling door to door to be able to afford the mere necessity extra calcium rich dark leafy greens as his mother is suffering from severe osteoporosis, instead of helping a family you cast him off as naught all do to a preconceived prejudice ingrained into you from spooky movies and the steady stream of skeleton murderers that have been convicted.
   All I ask is that we all put our prejudices aside and only judge based on fact rather than the lack of color or skin.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Obmamin Hood

    I have to vent, politically vent, I hate to do it, but too much is happening and I talk to too many ignorant people in a day to not express my feelings.  I am so sick of the robin hood mentality people are cheering on.  Taking money from the hard-working and rewarding the lazy will never have positive results, let me explain why.    
    I am owner and co-owner of a few small businesses neither makes a fortune so far however neither loses money.  When we have  a surplus of cash we do something insane, we reinvest in our business.  The purchase of new equipment, products or employees helps us improve our business and allows us the opportunity to grow and expand and in turn invest more into our company.  Guess what the government does as soon as we earn a decent profit, they put their grubby filthy hands into the cookie jar and take as much as they can.  From city level to state to federal all are trying to steal their piece. Said funds are then taken and filtered through the vast government machine.  Every time the money changes hands a little is taken and what is left is burned on social programs, welfare and so forth.
    On the other end, so many "humanitarians" feel we should help those who are less fortunate (in most cases less willing to earn their own).  I agree with helping people who are trying to better their lives, the problem is the word "help" is incorrectly defined.  A person is not helped by receiving unearned funds, it only further promotes laziness.  Offering employment, education, or training helps those "less fortunate."  Others exploit the poor, they see an opportunity for a quick power grab, what is the fastest way to get control of someone?  You provide their life, if they choose to take from you they are permanently indebted to you.  Takers however do not invest in a business, skill or job they buy a flat screen tv, or make a down payment on a car they will later have repossessed.  The point is giving free money to people who have not and will not earn it stimulates nothing.
    Government ownership of major companies is even worse.  I cannot believe what is happening between toyota and the united states gov.  A company produces a higher quality better priced vehicle so the gvmnt. who owns gm criminalize the corporation in an attempt to reduce competition.  You have no idea how hard this is for me not to use very strong and profane language while writing this.  They have not even tried to hide their motive, I recently saw a commercial for GM in which "everyone" knows foreign vehicles are better (which they are) and Howie Long who is a sell out piece of garbage let them know GM was better because they have a better warranty.  Even though the marketing campaign (which is what the government hearings against toyota is) is firing everything they can at toyota they are still not gaining their market share.  Why not? Because people in america are not stupid enough to believe it.  Even if they lose faith in toyota there is still Honda, Hyundai, Subaru, Kia, Suzuki, renault, alfa romeo, citroen, audi, mercedes, bmw, vw, nissan and for the most part any car is better than what GM makes.  If my company had the profits GM has been showing, even since the gvmnt took over I would live in the gutter.  Oh and you think toyotas recall is bad, google gm recalls, they have hundreds of thousands every single year!
   The more the government gets involved in our business the more american business will fail.  Taking from the hard working and motivated to reward the uneducated and lazy will only result in socialism.  If you agree or disagree comment and let me know.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Beethoven Was Rebellious Once

It's been a rough couple of weeks, my baby cries and cries, my wife is sleep deprived and worn out, I have been out of town working, and on top of it all I am getting over a miserable cold, which is why I have not written in a couple weeks. Hopefully with some witty quips and insights I can make up for the tender moments we have surely lost.

     People seem to have strong and poignant feelings in regard to their music preferences.  I am going to divulge a secret about me; a deep, dark, horrifying secret.  A secret so horrifying that in so sharing I may ostracize myself from family, friends and acquaintances, I like rap.  Though my brother in law (who is 12) told me rap is an acronym for retards attempting poetry, don't judge me to harshly. I'm not into snoop dog, and eminem, I enjoy the subtle sounds and smilies of groups such as the argyle pimps, ugly duckling, jurassic five and the like, you have never heard of them have you?  I knew it, just look them up on myspace, who knows I may change your attitude on this so called hip hop.
     Kids go through phases of music I have noticed, often they will start with top 40 garbage, whatever is on the radio and constantly resonating in their hollow heads.  Around junior high school something happens, I can't quit explain, but somehow the pyschadelic sounds of the seventies seem to infiltrate theirs souls.  Don't believe me?  Ask any 14 to 17 year old what music they dig and likely his answer will be "Led zeppelin and Pink Floyd.  I like classic rock."  I feel I need to add that all my experience is as a middle class white kid so this may not be applicable in all areas. After that comes the "radio sucks" phase, where it becomes much less than cool to listen to anything on the radio, youngsters turn to the internet to find whatever is too obscure and possibly too profane to find  on the radio.
    Obviously everyone has their own opinion as to what musical talent is.  I like to have the argument, it's funny because I don't really care, I think it is all opinion. However for many people the topic is poignant and important.  I believe talent in music is simply stated making music people want to listen to.  My dad will say classical and the like is the only type of music that takes talent.  He, however, enjoys the beatles, emerson lake and palmer which are only a few among the many bands that my grandparents hate and call no talent rock.  They would prefer something along the lines of Engelbert Humperdink, which their parents thought was the devils music.  There must have been a time when a youngster was bangin his head to some chopin and his dad yelled "turn that crap off!"  I wonder what it was like when kids would whip out their harpsichord and jam to the latest tunes only to have be grounded from the instrument until they have gathered enough firewood to warm the house.  I wonder what they rocked to in the stone age.  Point is parents will always hate what their kids listen to, with the exception of that classic rock stage.  They can get on the same page at least for a couple years.
     Singer/songwriter acoustic rock has become popular in the last few years.  Acoustic music has destroyed campfires.  Tough, brave men used to gather around a campfire reciting mighty tales of trapping beavers, fighting grizzly bears, and sharing a peace pipe with Indians.  However with the popularity of acoustic music there is always one person who whips out an acoustic guitar and plays the two Jack Johnson songs he knows incessantly diverting all attention away from manliness.  Without fail if a fire is started in a pit an acoustic guitar will appear, like magic. I swear someone just pulls it out of the black of night, You could be talking about a shelter fashioned by your bare hands from some leaves a branches and next thing you know a person is strumming three chords and singing about bubbly toes.
    I think the last phase is talk radio.  Instead of listening to pathetic poets spout on about messages that have no real meaning, you hear pundits slander and argue points until they are so worked up their microphone is covered in spit and anger.  Pretty much the same as the pathetic poets just their sentences don't rhyme and there is no background music.